


no homo, but all the homo

by smolbagu, tolbaguette



Series: no homo tho [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alcohol, Gay, Getting Together, Insecurities, Junior Year AU, M/M, Mac and Cheese, Soulmate AU, detailed dicks, drunk boys, jared works at the movie theater
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 21:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14363838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolbagu/pseuds/smolbagu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolbaguette/pseuds/tolbaguette
Summary: a fic in which, evan wants to meet his soulmate, jared is suffering, and both boys get very drunk.





	no homo, but all the homo

Evan was sixteen and to be honest, he never expected to meet his soulmate. To be fair, about half of the human population never did and usually people settled for the closest person they could find. But, he was still slightly hopeful to meet his when he started getting more and more lil doodles all over his body. Evan would usually add on to the said drawings or add an encouraging comment on them, but his ‘soulmate’ never directly responded to him.  He still tried though. 

 

So on a lonely Thursday night when Evan was honestly just drowning in self-pity, he decided to try again and write a small ‘hi’ on his inner arm. Even if they didn’t end up replying, at least he could say that he tried.

 

Jared was currently at work at his local movie theatre, y’know, the average job for your local sixteen year old highschool boy. He was minding his own business, cleaning the theatre that just played the Emoji Movie ( which a lot of people went to see,, he didn’t even understand why because it sucked lmao ), when he felt a small tingle on his inner arm. After he emptied one of the trash cans, he went back to his job and checked his arm to see a ‘hi’ written by his soulmate. Since he had work and didn’t really feel like having a conversation right now, he just picked up the closest pen and drew a small surprisingly detailed ‘good shit’ hand emoji thing that your average everyday memer would use below the greeting before going to clean up the hot dog that someone decided to shove down a toilet. 

 

Once had finished the hot dog mess, his shift was over for the night and it was time for him to skedaddle. While he was washing his hands, he noticed that his soulmate had responded to his doodle with a cute lil thumbs up. So, before leaving, he replied with the faced moon emoji. 

 

Evan stared intently at his arm. Alright, no conversation today. That’s alright. He’s alright. Right? He didn’t know. He sighed, he was just going to give up for the night--- getting off of his bed and going to shower. 

 

-

 

That next morning, Evan woke up at his usual time and got ready. He was relieved that it was a friday, actually, he was more relieved that their junior year was actually almost over. Anyways, after getting ready, he looked down at his bare arm. Most of the marks faded due to his shower and sleep. He kind of wanted to write something again, but he decided not to; instead, he pulled on his backpack and walked outside to wait on his porch for Jared to pick him up so he didn’t have to wait for him. 

 

When Jared pulled up into Evan’s driveway, he instantly walked over to the car, sliding into the passenger’s seat. “Hey,” he muttered, buckling up as Jared backed out. He glanced over at the other boy. Oh man, he looked terrible. Like he hadn’t slept in days. 

 

“Hey.” Jared glanced at Evan before turning his attention back to the road as he drove to school.

 

Evan kept his gaze on Jared for a lil bit before looking at the road as well. The ride was quiet, which was extremely awkward and anxiety inducing. Evan was trying to think of something to say like  _ ‘wow, almost senior year amirite?’  _ or  _ ‘how was work?’  _  or maybe even  _ ‘will you date me?’  _ Actually, no. Scratch that last one, because lmao no homo. The boy ended up not saying anything, since he was so deep in thought the entire car ride. 

 

Once they got to school, Jared parked his car and looked over to Evan, who seemed to be in his own world. He reached out a hand and poked Evan’s cheek lightly, which made him jump slightly, “You okay..?

 

Evan looked over to Jared and shook his head, “um, yeah- f-fine. Sorry.” He muttered out, unbuckling himself. 

 

“Hm, okay.” Evan watched Jared unbuckle himself before losing all motivation and leaning forward, smushing his head against the steering wheel. “Are you okay..?” Evan said this time.

 

Jared groaned and honked the horn with his forehead before leaning back into his seat, “Yeah, just, teenage angst and i’m extremely tired.”

 

Evan shifted in his seat, he didn’t usually condone skipping, but Jared looked like he needed the extra sleep. “Maybe you could, just, um, skip first period and take a nap? I’ll c-cover for you.” Jared looked over to Evan, “...wait, seriously? I mean, you don’t have to. I can power through like I usually do.” 

 

“Jared,” Evan gingerly placed a hand on the other boy’s shoulder, “no offense, but you look like s-shit.” Which caused Jared to erupt a breathy laugh, “I feel like shit.” He looked away from Evan, “I guess i’ll take you up on that offer then.” 

 

Evan smiled and removed his hand to grab for his bag, “I guess i’ll see you later?” He said, opening the door. He didn’t have any other classes with Jared accept for first period. Jared looked back over to Evan, “Uh, yeah. See you later.” He paused and watched Evan start to get out. Right before Evan closed the door, he spoke up again,

 

“Hey, Ev, wait a minute.”

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Do you wanna, like, come over to my house after school? My parents aren’t going to be home and I have the key to the liquor cabinet. We can drink our sorrows away.” 

 

Evan hesitated for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, sure, why not.” He gave Jared a small smile as he pulled on his backpack all the way. “I’ll see you after school then.. Yeah?” Jared smiled in return, “Yeah, after school.” He watched as Evan closed the door before climbing into the backseat of his car to take a nap.

 

-

 

When they got to Jared’s house that afternoon, Evan followed Jared inside before plopping down onto Jared’s couch. He knew their house pretty well, almost as if it was a second home. Jared disappeared to go leave his stuff in his room before coming back. “What do you want for dinner?” Jared asked. 

 

Evan shrugged, “I don’t care. Just not pizza.”

 

Jared nodded, “M’kay, let me see if I have anything here.” He said before leaving to go search the kitchen for mac ‘n’ cheese for something. While Jared was gone, Evan looked down at his arms. His soulmate hadn’t said anything all day. He sat back up and pulled a pen out of his backpack, doodling a small smile for the heck of it. Once he was pleased with it, he got up and pulled on his jacket he had brought before joining Jared in the kitchen. 

 

“Macaroni and cheese okay?” Jared asked, looking at the other boy.

 

“uM, yEs?”  _ Was that even a question? He loved macaroni.  _ He smiled at Jared, leaning on the counter opposite of Jared, who had already started boiling water and sat up on the counter. After a few minutes of a painfully awkward silence, Evan said, “so, um, what’s up.. bro?” He wanted to die in that very moment. 

 

Jared gave Evan a confused, yet amused, expression and laughed slightly, “Nothin’ much, what about you, b r o ..?”

 

“... the sky.”

 

“Wha- what the fuck. I’ve lost all faith in you.” Jared laughed a little more and turned his attention to the water, which was now boiling so he put the noods in. Evan scoffed and stuck his tongue out at Jared when he wasn’t looking. “You appreciate me.” He muttered, jokingly. He didn’t even know if he believed that statement himself. 

 

Jared smiled at the statement, stirring the noodles until they were done. When he deemed them soft enough to eat, he drained them and finished the rest of the macaroni. “Bone apple teeth.”

 

Evan scrunched up his nose, “Don’t ever s-say that again.” He said, grabbing two bowls out of the cabinet. “I don’t want to say it ever again.” Jared said, grabbing the bowls from Evan and splitted the macaroni evenly between the both of them. “Fork or spoon?” He asked, handing Evan a bowl of the good kush. “Fork.”

 

Jared nodded and grabbing two forks, out of fucking nowhere because Jared is a fucking magician, and handed one to Evan. “Do you want booze now, or later? I’m probably going to get something now. I’m feeling extra shitty today.” 

 

Evan shrugged, “Sure.” I mean, he has drank before. He never drank as much as Jared since he was such a lightweight, though. He also knew that Jared’s parents either never noticed the missing alcohol or just simply didn’t care. 

 

Jared led them to the infamous liquor cabinet, “Pick your poison.” Jared said, motioning to the cabinet after unlocking it. Evan didn’t really know anything about alcohol. He scrunched his nose a bit and just grabbed a bottle of.. well, something- before going to the living room and sitting on the couch. 

 

Two bowls of pasta and an unhealthy amount of alcohol later, both boys were pretty shitfaced. Right now, Evan was currently giggling at something Jared said. It wasn’t even that funny to be honest. He grinned and brought the bottle up to his lips again to take another sip. 

 

After a few minutes, Evan simmered down his giggling a lil bit, “he-hey jare- want a brief explanation of an acorn..?” he asked.

 

Jared finished his drink and wiped his mouth on his arm, “Yeah- suure, why not- acorns.” 

 

Evan giggling more before replying with, “in a nutshell, it’s aN oAK TREE!”

 

Jared stared at Evan. Woah, holy shit. It’s- Jared is wOKE. “HoLY shIt EvAn, iT IS- WHaaAT..??! hOW dID I nOT knOW tHis beFOre?!” Evan squealed. Literally, squealed. “I kNoW, riGht?!” He giggled, placing a hand on one of Jared’s knees. 

 

Jared was woke as fuck, but he laughed along with Evan anyways. That squeal was also fucking a d o r a b l e. Wait- what? No. No homo. Evan kept on laughing a bit more. He couldn’t stop laughing, well, until he suddenly said, “I’m tired, sleep now.” He then proceeded to lean forward and rest his head on Jared’s shoulder.

 

Jared settled down his laughing fit and petted Evan’s hair as he leaned on his shoulder. “M’kay, you do that..” Once Evan was asleep, he has an idea involving a sharpie and surprisingly well drawn dicks. So, once he was sure that Evan was asleep, he set him down on the couch and got the sharpie from the kitchen. The whole time he was drawing the peen he was giggling. He took a few selfies with sleeping Evan that he decided that he would show the boy later. Well, until he noticed something. Jared had a dick on his own forehead, identical to Evan’s. What? Wait. Whom’st? Were they- soulmates..? whAt. He’s even more woke now. Jared instantly got up to go wash the dick off of his forehead. 

 

Once Jared was satisfied with the washing of the penis, and before he could get sick or something, he went back to the living room and curled up next to Evan, falling asleep after a few minutes. He was too drunk to care about this new information right now.

 

Since he went to sleep fairly early, Evan woke up around three am. He groaned as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He wasn’t quite hungover, but he did have a pretty nice headache. He looked over to the boy sleeping next to him before grabbing his phone and opening his phone to snapchat since he didn’t do his streaks. So, he opened snapchat and the front facing camera came up first-- showing Evan the surprisingly detailed penis that was on his forehead. 

 

He sighed and got up, going to the bathroom to wash off the dick. Once he was done, he didn’t even bother waking Jared up, he just laid back down next to him and went back to sleep. 

 

Jared woke up around seven am, much to his dismay, he had a pretty bad headache-- courtesy of his premature drinking problem. He groaned and got off the couch, avoiding Evan so he didn’t wake him, whose penis head had seemed to have disappeared. Jare staggered to the bathroom where he took some asprin, and then he went to the kitchen to make breakfast for him and his soulmate. F u c k-  soulmate. Shit, should he tell Evan..? No. No. Not right now, at least. 

 

Jared sighed and pulled two bowls out of the cabinet along with a box of stale Lucky Charms. They probably tasted like shit but that’s they only thing they had so they would just have to deal. He opened the box and poured a good amount into each bowl and moved to get the milk as he heard Evan wake up and join him in the kitchen. 

 

He smiled as Evan walked in, yawning out a soft, “morning.” Jared turned his attention back onto the cereal he was pouring milk into, “morning, i made cereal. It’s stale.” Evan took one of the cereal filled bowls and grabbed a spoon, “you’re stale.” he muttered. Evan was not a morning person.

 

Jared snorted and shoved a spoonful of stale, dry, probably expired lucky charms into his mouth. Evan, as well, took a monch of the cereal and scrunched up his nose, “ew- jare-” He started to say with a mouthful of cereal.

 

Jared swallowed his mouthful, “This is actually all I could find. They’re magically delicious, right?” He said, shoving in another mouthful. Evan swallowed and set his bowl down. “I feel like it will give me food poisoning.”

 

“You’re probably right,” Jared looked at the box, “these expired… four weeks ago. Hm, I love the taste of death in a box. Maybe I should’ve made eggs? Eh, I’m too lazy.” He shrugged before continuing to eat the lucky charms. Evan was going to stop Jared from eating them, but he drew a dick on his head. This was payback.

 

“So, about the dick,”

 

Jared giggled, “Yeah, I was drunk and you fell asleep first. You’re welcome.” 

 

“I did not need that. It was  **SO** detailed.”

 

Jared finished his expired cereal and put his bowl in the sink, “Mmm, you should see what else I can do with a pen.” He winked at Evan. “You should at least let me draw something on you.” Evan reasoned. And, yeah, Jared was going to let him, but then he remembered about the soulmate bond. “Isn’t there another way you can get payback..?”

 

“Pfft- No?” Evan looked at Jared confused, “.. what are you scared?” He teased. 

 

“nO. I’m not, just… where?”

 

“On your forehead, obviously.”

 

Jared bit his lip and contemplated this. Had he felt it last night..? No, definitely not, but maybe he could just pretend to not see it appear on Evan’s forehead..? Yeah. Okay. “Fine, just no peens.”

 

Evan scoffed, “What?! Why not?” 

 

“Because,”  _ You don’t want a penis on your head again.  _ He wanted to say, but he didn’t. “Whatever, I don’t care. Just make it washable.” 

 

Evan grinned and grabbed the sharpie that was on the counter. He pulled Jared closer so he could write on his forehead, before drawing a kind of decent tree. He didn’t actually draw a dick. He also added some lil notes on his forehead like ‘yeet’ and ‘lmao’ because Jared is a meme. 

 

Jared just let it happen, watching the tree form on Evan’s forehead. It was actually pretty good. “Hey, that’s a pretty nice tree.” 

 

“Thank- wait- what?” Evan said, looking at Jared and furrowing his eyebrows-- which made Jared instantly regret being alive. “I uh, tree- shit. Uh, tree.” He hesitantly pointed to Evan’s forehead. “It’s pretty nice..?” Evan stared at Jared confused before his eyes widened, “..what? oh- oH,” Evan took a step back, setting the sharpie back down on the counter. 

 

Jared looked down, “Sorry. It must be shitty that I’m your soulmate.” 

 

“I-” Evan stared at Jared for a moment. Realizing that he was his soulmate made him feel so much different now. He guessed that now he understands his feelings. “S-shut up, you loser.” He muttered, pulling Jared into a hug. 

 

Jared smiled and hugged Evan back, “you’re the fucking loser, you loser.” Evan smiled and placed his head into the crook of Jared’s neck, “I know.” 

 

Jared hugged Evan for a few more seconds before pulling away and looking to his face, “So..” Evan looked at Jared, “we’re, um, soulmates..?” He offered Jared a small smile. Jared grinned, “Yeah, soulmates.” He paused, “Is… is this a.. romantic thing? Because there can totally be platonic soulmates but I don’t know if you want to have a  **thing** or just be bros-”

 

Evan just kind of looked down, “I mean, well, um, I guess we can be platonic. I mean, unless you want to b-be something more? B-because, um, im totally down.” Jared shifted, “I mean, i’m totally down too. I just didn’t know if you wanted to be platonic or not and I didn’t want to force you into anything-”

 

“Well, I didn’t want to force you into anything either-” Evan countered. 

 

Jared looked at Evan expectantly, “So, uhm, is this romantic..?” 

 

“I- um, yes?”

 

“So.. it’s okay if I do this..?” Jared placed his hands gently on Evan’s cheeks and brought their faces to where they were almost smooching. He was hesitant, incase Evan didn’t want this. Evan looked into Jared’s eyes and just soaked in the moment for a bit. He was so close, he could feel Jared’s breath. Evan glanced down to Jared’s lips before looking him in the eyes again. He swallowed hard before breathlessly saying, “.. yes please.”

 

Jared smiled and leaned in to connect their lips. After a moment, Evan parted his lips from Jareds and gave him a shy smile. Jared grinned back at Evan, “No homo, but all the homo.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading 8)) this will also be a part of a series of oneshots set into this AU. 8)


End file.
